"It's my belief, that inside of us lies a little piece of Heaven in Disguise"

Britney You’re Holding Back..

Britney has made some of the memorable, coolest and sexiest videos ever. Think I’m A Slave 4 U (that pink outer thong oh gosh, really sweaty video), Overprotected (both versions were breathtaking), Baby One More Time (classic), Oops! I Did It Again (cheesy but we all know the choreography and remember those pyro shots, ooh that red catsuit), Toxic (it came on right in the middle of my puberty, you know how it hit me and 20 million other growing teens), Me Against The Music (a marriage of pop and that maze gee), Womanizer (that sauna opening had woman clutching their chest and the eye balls and balls of men popping).


Britney has also recently had some rather memorable videos that no matter how hard you wanna shake em off for being so terrible, you just can’t and you end up loving it! Like Gimme More (seriously. her best dance record ever and she’s got a wig on walking around the pole, like you can actually count the twirls), My Prerogative (basically an outtake from a sex tape she once shot in Kevin Federline’s boudoir), Piece of Me (it was a fun video that didn’t deserve that MTV award), 3 (oh no the pole has returned, which she does work better but no).

Then…

After a dozen teasers and visual promises that the Britney Spears video for Hold it Against Me, her first single from her new album, was gonna be spectacular. I jumped at the premiere. Rushed onto Youtube. Laid back and.. pressed play.

I paused the video midway through and started again. I was just.. so distracted by the advertisements. I thought the perfume ad in Circus was pretty cute, it didn’t get in the way of the video itself. Hey I embraced Gaga’s Telephone and thought the advertisements were pretty random but yeah I was cool with it. But in this video, the song is going hard and fierce. But I see a make-up kit in my face! Then a perfume bottle! Then Britney’s surrounded by a bunch of LCD screens with all her music videos flashing (great! I love homages) but before I can get into it, a friggin SONY logo shows up!

Okay so I watch a little further and I’m… awaiting the dance sequence that was promised by her choreographer (who bit his lip and agreed that Britney could’ve given us alot more in her recent videos) but no… the dance sequence didn’t show up. Now I know Britney can STILL dance, hell yes. If you watch the Making of Circus, you’ll see the full break-it-down choreography in the music video and she does it amazingly well. Though the editor did cutaways to a friggin elephant in the room, it was apparent that Britney can still dance. But NOT in this video! Britney’s… she’s holding back.

Then I reach my favorite part of the song, which yes, is my favorite part of the music video. The break-it-down beat begins, it’s extended, it’s got sound effects, it’s ferocious. Paint streams out of Britney and she tumbles to the ground. It’s gorgeous… but wait ANOTHER SONY LOGO SHOWS UP. I blink fast. She’s fighting herself like Madonna in Die Another Day, excellent, let’s see a catfight. The cutaway to her heels clogging away was hilarious, great timing. Then BOOM pyro, confetti, more crazy flashes and outfits and silhouette shots of Britney shifting her hips an inch, another hair flip. This is what… Glee called, Hairography, something Britney has resorted to doing alot these days.

Okay. I’m just gonna sum this up for you guys. I love BRITNEY SPEARS. I don’t care about her vocals. She’s one of the most iconic pop artistes of our time. She makes great dance records. She’s fixed in our pop history. I love her whispery nasal tone too. But… HOLD IT AGAINST ME:The Music Video, is a showcase of.. how hard everyone. else. worked.

The crew set all that up. The paint. The Pyro. The mecha. The choreography. The extended video mix. The dancers had great expression. Everyone worked so hard… and it felt as if BRITNEY was, just like a bottle of perfume, a product that showed up and posed left and right for closeups. Heck, that SONY logo worked it harder than Britney.

 

I want… Britney The Human. Britney The Woman. Britney Moves So Fast Britney Like Wtf. Britney It’s Britney Bitch Britney. Not… Britney the Barbie Doll.

They even had a friggin meteor at the start of the film, but no it won’t take my mind off how much my eyes.. ought to be.. on BRITNEY SPEARS. She isn’t the star of the video, her crew is.

When the Haus of Gaga work, they work their butts off and it shows it pays off. But when Gaga goes on set, she works 20 times harder. Janet Jackson is 44, and even live on stage, she works her butt harder than her dancer counterparts almost half her age.

I will embrace Britney’s new album. I will go get it. I will choreograph moves to it. I will sing it. I will honor Britney. But as of now, Britney isn’t.. visual to me. She sounds engineered perfectly in her album. She’s photoshopped perfectly in her shoots. Britney in motion.. is in a coma to me. I really want Britney back. I really wanna see her own a stage like.. dont get mad at me PLEASE go watch ANY of her earlier performances. She’s the fuckin’ queen on stage. I honestly think Blackout and her recent albums are much better than her early stuff, but back then, she put in alot more effort and was more particular about attention to detail and sculpting her career right.

This… is her video for Hold It Against Me.¬† I really hope you understand the point I tried making in this review. I really hope you.. get what I’m saying here. On a lighter note, Britney this video is much much better than 3, If U Seek Amy and that dreadful Break The Ice video and yes, you look stunning in the video.

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